Archive for June, 2016

Overcoming obstacles

Sometimes it is easy to wallow in self pity. When I get in that frame of mind I tend to dwell in it for quite a bit. I wake up not so ready to face the day and with a feeling of two large hands pressing down on my chest. Then there is also the feeling of walking under a perpetual cloud. Today was one of those days, where I kinda just planned on barely making it through the day. I got to work and after some semi-challenging news I started feeling like the cloud above me was going to burst. I picked up my phone hoping to distract myself, but as usual there is never really anyone to talk to when you really need them, so I ended up going online and reading an article about a woman who has every reason to wallow in self pity but doesn’t.

She literally goes around giving TEDx talks exuding positivity and strength; when she can’t sit down and has a to use an external bag as a stomach. She’s extremely skinny because though she eats 8,000 calories a day she only retains 20% of it. Which most of us would think great right? But not when the rest drips out of what should be her stomach. I thought wow. If I was going through that I would be such a mess. I mean imagine relationships, the limits in getting closer to people, the constant rejection and explanations she has to give. Never really being able to be ‘normal.’  And the bitterness that doctors actually made everything worse. But she literally just pushes past all that and lives a meaningful life. Traveling, meeting people, sharing her story- her insecurities, and exuding strength and courage.

I know sometimes looking at how worse off others are can be a means of disregarding our very real problems and suggesting that what we are going through isn’t valid. But that’s not what I am suggesting you, or I for that matter do. I feel like stories like this should give us strength to tackle whatever obstacle we are facing, and encouragement that we are not alone in our struggles. There is no one out there living a ‘normal’ life. We all have our own versions of normal. But we don’t have to be overwhelmed by it, or just accept it, we can thrive through it.

Well I am off to finish facing my own obstacles. I wish you the best in tackling yours!

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mo·ti·va·tion noun
the general desire or willingness of someone to do something.

 

ded·i·ca·tion noun
the quality of being dedicated or committed to a task or purpose.

 
Dedication is stronger than motivation, because even when motivation towards a certain task or goal is gone, dedication still stays committed to that end.

 
Stay dedicated, even when your motivation is gone.

long_distance_running

 

Lemonade

i don’t care if you don’t love me.
when my intelligence intimidates you.
and my quirks make you smirk.
you don’t know how to fight for me.
you’d never die for me.
you won’t even say hi to me.
you only care for me when its convenient.
say sweet words when you don’t mean it.
chase me when your phone is dry at the end of the night.
i don’t come to mind in the daylight, when the suns high.
no i am reserved for the dark times, your down times.
i’d race to be where you are.
climb every mountain scale every height.
but you wouldn’t even turn the corner
cross the street
look down
and reach.

 

i don’t care if you love me.
i used to wonder if i’m not the right form of thick.
or if my skin tone isn’t the right level of rich.
sit up at night, heart hurting eyes burning,
restless tossing turning, hating myself for knowing you weren’t right for me.
you never tried for me.

 

but i don’t need you to love me,
i’ll love me,
i’ll try for me.
cry for me,
laugh at my own jokes,
tell myself it’s okay to hurt.

 

i’ll sing a song, not our song, but my song,
it may be off key, but i’ll sing it for me.
i’ll tell myself to be strong,
breakdown when I need to,
but stand up when i’m done and continue on.

lemonade

Thank you for loving me

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for giving me such a high standard of what love could be.

Thank you for when you looked upon me with loving eyes.

The moments when you thought I could do no wrong.

You were vulnerable with me,

You believed in a future with me.

 

I failed you and watched your love for me die…

I see the remnants of it in your eyes.

The ashes of what could of been.

Sometimes it tries to escape but it is no longer what it could be.

 

You’re with me but you’re really gone.

You stand in front of me but you’re somewhere else.

Your arms are cold.

There is a space between us.

You say you love me but your actions tell me different,

your body tells me different,

your heart screams something different.

 

I watch you sleep, and feel incomplete.

But more so, I see it is just me.

That the world is spinning,

time is finishing,

and I realize the half I am is as whole as I will ever be.

man-in-shadow