Victim mentality

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When you begin to think about all the negative things that were done to you or against youthe people who betrayed you, mistreated you, or left you… 

 

    Do you see yourself as a victim?

 

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Somehow the effect of others on our own lives is sometimes unreasonably magnified. We begin to see ourselves through the eyes of other people instead of seeking ownership of our own identify in order to flourish despite hardship. To allow the actions of others to change you in a negative way is to give them a power over you they don’t deserve. It makes you twice a victim: a victim in the moment of abuse or hurt, and forever a victim holding on to a hurt that festers and multiples. We let ourselves become bitter and disenchanted, continually carrying a chip on our shoulder, when we should just take whatever pieces of wisdom and life lessons that experience taught us and live life fully empowered.

 

As a victim often times you are living with a burden that your abuser does not share. They may have moved on with their lives, but you can’t… or won’t let yourself do the same. The greatest comeback from any kind of difficult situation is happiness with self and peace. You are not your pain, or your abuse. You are greater than that and you have the power to mentally let go of the pain that you may have physically walked away from years ago.

 

Life is more than a series of good or bad events that happened to you. Well at least it can be more than that, if you decide to be an active participant in your own life. You are sitting in a parked car, and as the seasons change the heavy rain fall turns to bitter hail. All around you looks bleak and gloomy. But you are unaware that right across the street from you is a gas station. If you look into your pocket you will find enough bills for you fill your tank. Key in hand, tank full. YOU decide where you go. You can drive to the safety of shelter and rest close by, or if you are willing to travel a little further you can dwell in warmth and sunshine. You have the key. Your future direction is in your hand.

 

The past has already been written, but your future is a clean slate of endless opportunities. Be encouraged.

I won’t ask who you voted for…

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Politics can be extremely divisive, and this space is not really one that seeks to be political.

However, I do think there are positive lessons that one can learn from this election regardless of who one voted for. In the case of Hillary Clinton, I would say that I respect her even more after this election than I did beforehand. It is not an easy task to concede something one has wanted for so long and fought so hard and so publicly for.

Speaking at a Children’s Defense Fund benefit on November 16th, one week after the election Hillary was quoted as saying “I will admit coming here tonight wasn’t the easiest thing for me..” “There have been a few times this past week where all I wanted to do is curl up with a good book or our dogs and never leave our house again..”

 

I can definitely relate to that. I haven’t yet faced a defeat as public and brutal as hers, but even the small challenges life throws my way sometimes makes me want to curl up in bed, throw my phone away, eat my feelings, cry my eyes out and give up… Hillary though didn’t end her statements there. She went on to say “‘Service is the rent we pay for living..'” “Well, you don’t get to stop paying rent just because things don’t go your way.”

 

How true is that? Though sometimes we feel down or discouraged, should we simply throw a pity party, dragging all our friends and family into whatever despair we are currently in? Tempting, but no. We should yes clean our wounds, bandage them up, but sometimes we gotta keep fighting even while old wounds are still healing. If we don’t we risk the hurt, pain, and disappointments in our past taking something far worse from us– our futures.

 

 

In terms of the lessons we can learn from Donald Trump… .. .. I would say that I have learned from him that sometimes having a dogged stubborn resilience–that sometimes borders on delusional–can be just want you need to propel yourself to the next level. Aside from what one may think about him politically… he is a successful businessman for a reason. Sometimes you need to believe in yourself more than anyone else in the room does. And if you can elevate your own worth and believe in yourself enough… pretty soon you might convince others too as well.

 

That’s my two cents folks, but remember…

 

“We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.”
– Martin Luther King

Risking it all

Is it just me or is it frightening to realize that often times we can never really know what another person is thinking? You could be in a relationship for years and your partner could have mentally left you, months if not years before they physically walk away. You could be investing money and time in a friendship with someone who really thinks you’re just a stepping stone in their life. Your cubicle mate at work could share jokes with you but then turn around and talk down about you to your colleagues and your boss.

 

It seems to me that letting people in, letting them get close is one of the greatest risks we can take in life.

 

Currently when you look at the statistics for things like marriage you begin to question even more. If more than half of marriages end in divorce, not to mention the remaining half; how many of them are bitter, unfaithful, miserable, and wanting a way out? Many people will then begin to share cliches about love and pain and how love conquers all and it’s always worth it. But statistically speaking it does seem that we are fighting great odds.

 

Growing up I always used to wonder: do people change so much that you could go from loving someone to… not? Little did I know then, and barely do I know now, what my mother always tells me “human relationships are complex.” (lol), I always laugh and role my eyes when she says this in her woefully sage voice, but I know she is right.

 

Human relationships are complex.

 

Thats why I won’t end this post with any cliches or thoughts on external (other-person) relationships, positive or negative. But I will say that I wish you the best in whatever complexities you face. In the midst of all these complexities however, you owe it to you, to be true to yourself.

 

Be honest with how you feel, what you think, and be honest to those around you. That is the best thing you can offer to someone whether you care about them or not, whether you love them or not.

 

It’s easier to live life when you aren’t lying to yourself about who you are and what you want. Know that life is a revolving door. People will walk in and out. Let them. But you are the person that will remain constant over your life. You are going to have to deal with you at every stage in life. So get to know yourself, learn to like yourself, and be gentle and forgiving to yourself.

 

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I’m angry at God

Sometimes if I am honest with myself, I have to admit that I am completely and totally angry with God. 

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Okay, maybe as a fellow bible believing Christian you’re confused, so let me try to explain.

 

I suppose I can compare it to the kind of anger a child feels towards a parent that is ‘absentee.’ Maybe a father or mother who serves in the military. You get the weekly calls, the gifts on your birthday, you know that they love you, but you’re angry because you simply feel robbed.

 

You miss getting tucked in every night, the in-person bedtime stories, or even just waking up in the middle of the night, running to their room when you’re scared and knowing you’re safe in the house because you can see that they are still there.

 

I’m angry with God because I can’t see Him. I don’t care that this is how it has to be or whatever theology that is present to explain it away. I know I am being unreasonable, a petulant child,  and I still don’t care!

 

It’s not always enough knowing that ‘God is there or that He cares.’ Sometimes I want to see Him! I want Him to come down off His throne, and give me a hug and show me that He is there. I want Him to sit with me late at night and tell me stories of how things were back in the day in the time of Moses, or Ezekiel, and Joseph. I imagine His voice to be so deep and comforting.

 

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I want Him to paint me a picture of how beautiful and bright the future will be. I want Him to hold my hand, to envelop me in a hug. Let me crawl into His bed when I’ve had a bad dream, or to be able to look into His eyes after a long day and see that my suffering causes him pain too. I just know that He would look lovingly back at me and simply say “There, there my child.”

 

Sometimes I feel so broken inside and I know He is the piece of me that I’m missing. When sleep eludes me, or I’m wrestling with my demons inside, He is the one I want to tell.

 

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If I could have anything I wished for in this moment, I wouldn’t wish to end world hunger or violence or pain, even though all these things weigh heavily on my mind. All I would wish for is to just once see His face, to say “hi” to God, and hear him respond with a “Hello my child. I see you, and I’m right here.

 

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Healing words

What does healing look like? 

Healing looks like peace. Like restful nights, and deep sleep. 

Healing looks like no one in your triangle of hurt changing but you. 

It looks like you recognizing the power to end your hurt is within the palms of your own hands. 

You no longer dwell in the past or hope longingly for a predicted future. You are fufilled in the present, the now. 

You finally realize that you do not need any one person to come back to you or to smile at you or to love you for you to begin to heal. 

But you decide for yourself that no one on this earth should have the power to take away your happiness.Most times people are not trying to hurt you but rather they are simply looking out for their own interests. And we the bystanders are often caught in the crossfire. 

Once you recognize you are not anyone’s priority you can begin making yourself your own priority. Not in a self serving way but in a way that recognizes that God gave you the tools you need to be happy, and he didn’t place your happiness or peace in the hands of anyone, but your own.

Sleep

I am encased by this deep fear.
Night after night sleep evades me.
I seek peace but I cannot reach it.
An enemy chases me that I cannot see.

I call out to my Father, but I don’t know if He hears me.
I am wandering this dark forest alone with no one to guide me.
I ask for direction and all I hear is silence.
I seek love and help from those who dwell on this earth with me,
but their aid is lost just as quickly as it was found.

The journey overwhelms me. I fall, and there is no one to catch me.

I call to my Father in hope that He help me.
That He heed my plight.

I want to give up on hearing His voice.
To claim that He isn’t there,
that He doesn’t care.

But I know He is there.
Standing quietly,
looking on lovingly.
Telling me that the night doesn’t last forever.
That light and relief come with the morning.

So I bide my time and wait.
When I can no longer form words,
and a cry is on my lips,
I just call His name,
Jesus, Jesus,
and I find the peace I need to sleep.

Overcoming obstacles

Sometimes it is easy to wallow in self pity. When I get in that frame of mind I tend to dwell in it for quite a bit. I wake up not so ready to face the day and with a feeling of two large hands pressing down on my chest. Then there is also the feeling of walking under a perpetual cloud. Today was one of those days, where I kinda just planned on barely making it through the day. I got to work and after some semi-challenging news I started feeling like the cloud above me was going to burst. I picked up my phone hoping to distract myself, but as usual there is never really anyone to talk to when you really need them, so I ended up going online and reading an article about a woman who has every reason to wallow in self pity but doesn’t.

She literally goes around giving TEDx talks exuding positivity and strength; when she can’t sit down and has a to use an external bag as a stomach. She’s extremely skinny because though she eats 8,000 calories a day she only retains 20% of it. Which most of us would think great right? But not when the rest drips out of what should be her stomach. I thought wow. If I was going through that I would be such a mess. I mean imagine relationships, the limits in getting closer to people, the constant rejection and explanations she has to give. Never really being able to be ‘normal.’  And the bitterness that doctors actually made everything worse. But she literally just pushes past all that and lives a meaningful life. Traveling, meeting people, sharing her story- her insecurities, and exuding strength and courage.

I know sometimes looking at how worse off others are can be a means of disregarding our very real problems and suggesting that what we are going through isn’t valid. But that’s not what I am suggesting you, or I for that matter do. I feel like stories like this should give us strength to tackle whatever obstacle we are facing, and encouragement that we are not alone in our struggles. There is no one out there living a ‘normal’ life. We all have our own versions of normal. But we don’t have to be overwhelmed by it, or just accept it, we can thrive through it.

Well I am off to finish facing my own obstacles. I wish you the best in tackling yours!

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