Posts Tagged ‘agnostic’

I’m angry at God

Sometimes if I am honest with myself, I have to admit that I am completely and totally angry with God. 

child-tantrum

 

Okay, maybe as a fellow bible believing Christian you’re confused, so let me try to explain.

 

I suppose I can compare it to the kind of anger a child feels towards a parent that is ‘absentee.’ Maybe a father or mother who serves in the military. You get the weekly calls, the gifts on your birthday, you know that they love you, but you’re angry because you simply feel robbed.

 

You miss getting tucked in every night, the in-person bedtime stories, or even just waking up in the middle of the night, running to their room when you’re scared and knowing you’re safe in the house because you can see that they are still there.

 

I’m angry with God because I can’t see Him. I don’t care that this is how it has to be or whatever theology that is present to explain it away. I know I am being unreasonable, a petulant child,  and I still don’t care!

 

It’s not always enough knowing that ‘God is there or that He cares.’ Sometimes I want to see Him! I want Him to come down off His throne, and give me a hug and show me that He is there. I want Him to sit with me late at night and tell me stories of how things were back in the day in the time of Moses, or Ezekiel, and Joseph. I imagine His voice to be so deep and comforting.

 

fathdaughter

 

I want Him to paint me a picture of how beautiful and bright the future will be. I want Him to hold my hand, to envelop me in a hug. Let me crawl into His bed when I’ve had a bad dream, or to be able to look into His eyes after a long day and see that my suffering causes him pain too. I just know that He would look lovingly back at me and simply say “There, there my child.”

 

Sometimes I feel so broken inside and I know He is the piece of me that I’m missing. When sleep eludes me, or I’m wrestling with my demons inside, He is the one I want to tell.

 

childpout

 

If I could have anything I wished for in this moment, I wouldn’t wish to end world hunger or violence or pain, even though all these things weigh heavily on my mind. All I would wish for is to just once see His face, to say “hi” to God, and hear him respond with a “Hello my child. I see you, and I’m right here.

 

father-hugging-daughter

The God Problem

God

Intellectuals often ask, “Why doesn’t God intervene more? Or shower us with miracles until we can’t take anymore? Why doesn’t He feed the hungry, heal the sick or prevent war?”

 

They wonder, “If God really exists, why doesn’t He take a more active role in caring for humanity and providing for the poor?”

 

Even the self-proclaimed Christian can admit that they often think: that maybe, their ‘God’ –is just a myth.

 

Pastors, preachers, and teachers, sitting at home doubting the Word. The struggles of life making them remote, from the God they outwardly promote. They question their beliefs. Wondering if it’s real, or if they are the Emperor in Chief: parading before the people without clothes—just empty prose.

 

Nevertheless, we must confess, that all of these questions are based on our own weakness. The flesh. We assume that if God did reveal Himself, all doubts would vanish and that we would follow Him without wasting one breath.

 

But the Israelites saw God in their flesh, but His presence, left them overwhelmed and feeling bereft. God showed them His power, but in front of new challenges they cowered. Every day a miracle—like new food falling from the sky. But they could not see past their own eyes.

 

Hearts hardened, barely listening. Pillar of cloud and fire. But even to Moses they couldn’t listen. So to follow God? No. His will was not their mission.

 

Tell me. What more from God could they desire? And you, what do you require? You see its not miracles that can make us witness: That it’s the Holy Spirit giving us spiritual fitness. And when we doubt; we too, are like the Israelites facing a new drought.

 

Forget not the Red Sea and all that God has done for thee. The time is coming, and almost is, when all our tears and sorrow shall not exist. When God will take care of the poor and worry shall be no more. So when in doubt, know that you are not alone. Open your bible and pray to God, it’s like calling Him on the phone. He sees your heartache and the disappointment in your eyes, but recognize—that it was for YOU He died.