Posts Tagged ‘alone’

Running from pain

We are always running.

 

Okay, let me try this again.

 

trapped

 

I have spent most of my life running. Running from suffering. Avoiding loss. Trying not to get hurt. Afraid.

 

But Jesus wasn’t afraid of suffering. He embraced it on the cross for us. For me. He lived His entire life knowing how and when it would be over. He knew that He would be separated from all those dear to Him. That no one would fully understand Him, or His purpose. That though surrounded by disciples and the multitude, He would still be alone because they couldn’t fully understand His struggle. Only He knew that He was going somewhere they couldn’t follow.

 

I’ve been so afraid of losing that sometimes I held on to things more tightly than I should have. I lived trapped in a box of fear. Always afraid of getting a text, a phone call, a message that spelled doom for myself or my loved ones.

 

But to live in fear of suffering, loss, sickness, or death, is to prevent yourself from fully living. Negative circumstances and pain is unavoidable. But we don’t have to let hurt change and cripple us. All we can do is pray for strength.

 

Recently I went to go watch a movie that displayed the relationship Jesus has with those of His children who are suffering. In this movie the protagonist not only got to meet Jesus but he got to meet God as well. He began to accuse God of leaving Jesus when He (God) let Him (Jesus) die on the cross. But then God showed the protagonist of this story, His (God’s) own nail-pressed hands. God too was wounded by Jesus’ sacrifice. God told him (the protagonist) that He (God) never left Jesus. Just like He (God) never leaves us.

 

Yes you will face overwhelming circumstances, but God will never leave you. Jesus will never turn His face from you. There is no one better to have on your team. God is more than a mother or a father; he is also a brother, a sister, and a friend. He has your back. He will carry you when you are weak. When you forget Him He will still remember you. I have turned away from God. I felt like He had deserted me. But even as I turned from Him: He kept me, protected me, and He drew me back to His side.

jesushand

 

Overstimulated

How much of our life do we spend searching for, seeking, or desiring the companionship of others? Whether family, friends, or lovers, oftentimes we are searching for someone to share our life experiences with. We use the presence of others to keep us from feeling the full force of the burdens we carry from day to day.

companionsh

The problem comes however, when we are so dependent on other people that we are unable feel content when we are alone. We automatically equate being alone with being lonely so we avoid embracing time spent in solitude.

SOCIALaddict1

Even when we do find ourselves isolated from society even momentarily—we reach to our phone, tablet, or laptop to plug us back in. It is priceless to be able to find peace in solitude, to quiet the voices of doubt, regret, stress, pain, and loss, and to see life as a gift without feeling the need to drown yourself in outside voices.

solitude

 

Healing words

What does healing look like? 

Healing looks like peace. Like restful nights, and deep sleep. 

Healing looks like no one in your triangle of hurt changing but you. 

It looks like you recognizing the power to end your hurt is within the palms of your own hands. 

You no longer dwell in the past or hope longingly for a predicted future. You are fufilled in the present, the now. 

You finally realize that you do not need any one person to come back to you or to smile at you or to love you for you to begin to heal. 

But you decide for yourself that no one on this earth should have the power to take away your happiness.Most times people are not trying to hurt you but rather they are simply looking out for their own interests. And we the bystanders are often caught in the crossfire. 

Once you recognize you are not anyone’s priority you can begin making yourself your own priority. Not in a self serving way but in a way that recognizes that God gave you the tools you need to be happy, and he didn’t place your happiness or peace in the hands of anyone, but your own.

Sleep

I am encased by this deep fear.
Night after night sleep evades me.
I seek peace but I cannot reach it.
An enemy chases me that I cannot see.

I call out to my Father, but I don’t know if He hears me.
I am wandering this dark forest alone with no one to guide me.
I ask for direction and all I hear is silence.
I seek love and help from those who dwell on this earth with me,
but their aid is lost just as quickly as it was found.

The journey overwhelms me. I fall, and there is no one to catch me.

I call to my Father in hope that He help me.
That He heed my plight.

I want to give up on hearing His voice.
To claim that He isn’t there,
that He doesn’t care.

But I know He is there.
Standing quietly,
looking on lovingly.
Telling me that the night doesn’t last forever.
That light and relief come with the morning.

So I bide my time and wait.
When I can no longer form words,
and a cry is on my lips,
I just call His name,
Jesus, Jesus,
and I find the peace I need to sleep.

Thank you for loving me

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for giving me such a high standard of what love could be.

Thank you for when you looked upon me with loving eyes.

The moments when you thought I could do no wrong.

You were vulnerable with me,

You believed in a future with me.

 

I failed you and watched your love for me die…

I see the remnants of it in your eyes.

The ashes of what could of been.

Sometimes it tries to escape but it is no longer what it could be.

 

You’re with me but you’re really gone.

You stand in front of me but you’re somewhere else.

Your arms are cold.

There is a space between us.

You say you love me but your actions tell me different,

your body tells me different,

your heart screams something different.

 

I watch you sleep, and feel incomplete.

But more so, I see it is just me.

That the world is spinning,

time is finishing,

and I realize the half I am is as whole as I will ever be.

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Find Him (!)

To me the most amazing thing about the bible, is that it’s real. The people on the pages of this ‘book’ are not just ideal paragons of virtue. They are human. People that we can relate to.

 

If the bible wasn’t filled with people like David, Sampson, Jonah, Job, or Peter; I think I may have lost hope. Or rather I would not have regained hope.


Often times when the weight of the world gets too heavy and we feel alone and hopeless, our hearts grab hold of God. No longer do our minds find God to be an idea or simply a concept, instead he becomes real and a whole lot more relevant.

 

Today I picked up my bible just looking for a snippet. A tidbit. A few words, nothing too time consuming. Just something to help me hold it together and muddle through another moment, another day.

I ended up flipping to Job chapter 23.

 

Then Job replied:

“Even today my complaint is bitter;
    his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning.
If only I knew where to find him;
    if only I could go to his dwelling!
I would state my case before him
    and fill my mouth with arguments.

Ahh, my good buddy Job. I have to say, I love how he keeps it 100%. His complaint is bitter! And there’s no hiding it. He’s had his fill of the struggle and he’s about ready to go toe to toe with God.


Job has some questions, and he needs some answers. Ever at the ready, he’s prepared his case and he’s not afraid of arguing it! But first, he needs to figure out where God is.

I would find out what he would answer me,
    and consider what he would say to me.
Would he vigorously oppose me?
    No, he would not press charges against me.
There the upright can establish their innocence before him,
and there I would be delivered forever from my judge.

 

Hmm, Job isn’t worried. He knows God is good, so if he approaches God, he knows(!) he is gonna be delivered.

 

“But if I go to the east, he is not there;
    if I go to the west, I do not find him.
When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
  when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.

 

Dang, but a brother still can’t find him though. I mean if he could just find God things would be cool. They could chat, Job could get a few things off his chest. And God would clear up the misunderstanding. Everything goes back to normal.

10 But he knows the way that I take;
    when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
11 My feet have closely followed his steps;
    I have kept to his way without turning aside.
12 I have not departed from the commands of his lips;
    I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.

 

Ya know, I was following Job up to this point. Then I got lost. And fast. I mean Job is here talking about coming out as gold after being tried, and I’m sitting here just hoping I come out. To say I’ve reached that gold standard would be such a stretch. I mean Job says he hasn’t departed from God’s commands. He says he has treasured God’s word more than bread!


Confession. I’ve gone through more days without God’s word than I’ve gone without ‘bread.’ And yeah, I’m still feeling those after effects.
 

 


Sometimes we make ourselves so busy that we leave no time for God.
We have problems and we need to solve them.
We have issues that won’t fix themselves.
We have struggles that won’t go away.
And we have sins which feel like they are here to stay.
But to treasure God? To make him something we value? Something that is our food? Can we say we’ve done that?

 

The past few days I’ve been fasting, and my reasons for it are not that laudable so I will skip out on that. But what I realized is that food is ever on my mind. Without it I get tired, depressed, and weak. But spiritually that’s how I am without God. I am spiritually drained. I am hopeless. Discouraged. Selfish. and Lost.


I need him. I need God. I need him to be my living water. My bread of life.
I–like Job–am not finding him, but simply because I haven’t been looking. 

 

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It’s summer outside.

 

I am standing in the basement,
with the AC on.
 

The room is cold.
windowless,
and the air feels bleak.

 

But it’s burning hot outside.
The sun shines. The sprinklers are on. And the ice cream truck circles round.

 

Yet I can’t feel the warmth down here. I can’t see the sun. 

 

————

 

 

You will not always remember that God is good.

 

But make sure there is at least one person you can turn too who will remember when you forget. 
Who will pray when you cry.
Who will worship when you forget. 

 

Sometimes you will be standing in the cold, while others are basking in the heat.
Make sure you aren’t standing alone.

 

 

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