Posts Tagged ‘calm’

Still standing

Sometimes it is so hard to wait. We spend so much of life hurrying. Hurrying to accomplish one thing or the other. So when we get to the point where there is nothing left to do but wait, hope, and pray, it can cause us to unravel.

The past year of my life was never in my plans. I’m doing something I’d never fathomed I’d do. In a place I never thought I’d be. But I’m here. And though there are a lot of ups and downs which remind me I’m still alive. It’s truly been the most amazing year. I’ve learned so much about myself, what I want in life, even the things I thought I wanted, and now realize I actually don’t. I’ve lost myself, found myself, and lost myself again. I’ve lost people in my life, kept a few people, and gained some pretty amazing people as well.

I think this year has calmed me. It has made me question why am I really alive. And what my purpose on this earth actually is. I’ve realized my dreams are not the dreams of other people and that that is okay. My thinking about family, friendships, children, the future, religion, and education may be a bit queer and out of the norm. But I like it that way. I’ve realized my purpose is different. And as long as I stay true to that I will never be afraid of the passing of time. I will embrace change, and I will thrive in it.

I will go to the places I want to go, experience the things I want to experience, let go of the people who don’t want to come along for the ride, and hold on to those that do.

I used to be afraid of disappointment, and pain. But now I don’t hide from it. I see the rain falling and I dance in it. I make goals and I reach them. I don’t speak much, but instead I listen. I watch. I prepare, and I wait.

I grew up wishing I was somebody else, and hoping to fit into a segment of society that honestly is too small for me. I can’t be confined by other peoples ideas of happiness, I want to build my own.

I choose to jump off the bandwagon of popular thoughts, ambitions, and goals, and live a life that is uniquely my own. I want to change the world. And the first step is to change myself, my thoughts, and my vision.

quuen king down chess

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The Search

For a long time I searched for God. I wanted Him to be real in my life. I saw the world through my struggles, my failure, my disappointments. I knew I had let God down, and I wasn’t worthy of His love. I thought He had left me.  And I knew I deserved it. I read the bible, but all I saw were the words. I went to church, but all I saw was a charade. It wasn’t enough for me. I wanted His assurance that everything was going to be okay. I wanted His assurance that He would never leave me nor forsake me. I didn’t just want to read it. I wanted to see it. I wanted to feel His touch. To know that He was the hand that was holding me up. The one who counted the tears that fell from my eyes. I searched for God. But He wasn’t lost. I was. And He found me. He found me in my sin, in my low estate. And do you know what He told me? He said: “Oh You of little faith, why are you so afraid? Why do you doubt?” Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the waves in my life. He said no to the traps I had laid for myself. He said no to my fear, my doubt, my pain, my unhappiness. And it was completely calm in my life. He didn’t take away my problems. But He brought me to the eye of the storm. Where amidst all the chaos around me. I could see Him and not my problems. I could feel His touch, and not my inadequacies. “The trouble that came into your life, did not come to break you, but to introduce you to God in a new and a fresh way.” God does not let you go through certain trials without having prepared you. So that when you are about to despair you can remember how He has lead you in the past! Remember what He has already brought you through, and His power to overcome whatever may come your way. He is with you!

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