Posts Tagged ‘hurt’

#firstworldproblems

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I tend not to complain out loud about my problems unless I am talking to my mother– since we all know it’s every mom’s duty to listen dutifully to just about everything you have to say regardless of whether you are 25 or 40. If I complain about my issues to anyone else it might sound overwhelmingly like #firstworldproblems, an impression that may only be partly wrong. I called my mom once… –just last week if I’m being honest–in the middle of the night after I hadn’t been able to sleep all night for 3 nights in a row, plagued by my own mental demons, and she picked up. She picked up– even though at that time she was with a patient who would be taken off life support soon.

 

She was just reading a few bible verses to him, and I am pretty sure he couldn’t hear her and was totally unaware of his surroundings or anything else for that matter, but I was shocked that she as a physician was taking time out of doing her rounds to read some verses for a patient that couldn’t hear her and to pray for him before he passed… and also that amidst all this that she picked my call because she was worried about me. I proceeded to tell her I was completely fine, she should get back to work and after I hung up I began to cry. The perspective that the call gave me forced me to tell myself that: hey you should be happy and grateful you’re not deathly ill or dying, and that your problems are so small, and in the grand scheme of things– probably even meaningless.

 

But the truth is minimizing our problems by comparing them to someone with bigger problems can be both helpful and at the same time hurtful. It can invalidate your hurt and your pain and trust me it is incredibly hard to heal from something you don’t fully let yourself feel. If you don’t come to terms with pain in your life because ‘hey there are people starving in Africa and you have it much better than them,’ which may very well be true, but that doesn’t mean that your suffering, albeit privileged suffering, is any less real or any less hurtful. Much of our own life is shaped by our mind–our thoughts, and thoughts can be powerful enough to cause a person to pull a trigger, jump of a bridge, or prevent them from trying to achieve something they have always wanted to achieve.

 

It is good to be grateful and to see life from a perspective other that your own. Be thankful for your privilege. But also be gentle with yourself. Know that it is okay to let the small things sometimes get to you. It’s okay to not be invincible all the time. To feel weak, overwhelmed. It’s okay to simply just let yourself feel. Now it’s another thing to dwell, to sink, to never move forward. But just for today I want you to be honest with yourself about the emotions you’ve been keeping bottled up, the frustrations laying there right under the surface of all the pretense and fake smiles and cheerful demeanor. If you can’t be real to people at least be real to yourself, because honesty takes you to a place where true healing can finally begin.

 

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Healing words

What does healing look like? 

Healing looks like peace. Like restful nights, and deep sleep. 

Healing looks like no one in your triangle of hurt changing but you. 

It looks like you recognizing the power to end your hurt is within the palms of your own hands. 

You no longer dwell in the past or hope longingly for a predicted future. You are fufilled in the present, the now. 

You finally realize that you do not need any one person to come back to you or to smile at you or to love you for you to begin to heal. 

But you decide for yourself that no one on this earth should have the power to take away your happiness.Most times people are not trying to hurt you but rather they are simply looking out for their own interests. And we the bystanders are often caught in the crossfire. 

Once you recognize you are not anyone’s priority you can begin making yourself your own priority. Not in a self serving way but in a way that recognizes that God gave you the tools you need to be happy, and he didn’t place your happiness or peace in the hands of anyone, but your own.

Thank you for loving me

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for giving me such a high standard of what love could be.

Thank you for when you looked upon me with loving eyes.

The moments when you thought I could do no wrong.

You were vulnerable with me,

You believed in a future with me.

 

I failed you and watched your love for me die…

I see the remnants of it in your eyes.

The ashes of what could of been.

Sometimes it tries to escape but it is no longer what it could be.

 

You’re with me but you’re really gone.

You stand in front of me but you’re somewhere else.

Your arms are cold.

There is a space between us.

You say you love me but your actions tell me different,

your body tells me different,

your heart screams something different.

 

I watch you sleep, and feel incomplete.

But more so, I see it is just me.

That the world is spinning,

time is finishing,

and I realize the half I am is as whole as I will ever be.

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The Dead Sea

There was a boy who loved a girl, when she didn’t love herself. But as she learned to love herself, the boy resented her for it. As she became stronger, more confident, he told her that she’d changed. That she wasn’t the girl he had fallen in love with. That she was no longer simple, and that she was no longer unique. As she found herself, she lost him.

 

There was a husband who had a wife that was outspoken and intelligent, a go-getter. At least she was before she married him. But after the marriage suddenly something changed. The husband wanted her to speak out less, and conform to his will more. Forgetting that it was her spark that he first fell in love with.

 

There was a woman that had a man that she loved to control. She didn’t mind that he had no job, and preferred that she provide for all of his needs. But the man began to feel, like not so much of a man. He went out and got a job. He began to provide for himself, and contribute to the relationship—but his woman despised him for it. Now he had a voice, now he didn’t need the woman in the same way–he still wanted her—but he didn’t need her, so she no longer wanted him.

 

When waters are stagnant life cannot thrive. When our loved ones change, we don’t stop loving them. We don’t have to grow apart from them—we can grow with them. Relationships can morph and change and grow, if we let it.

Hated me first

 

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      They threw stones and it hurt

 

      I fell, tasted blood

 

      or was it dirt.

 

Life is such that you can either disappoint people or you can disappoint yourself. People can hate you, or you can hate yourself. It’s easy to stay in a place of sadness and self pity, but wallowing in misery does nothing to change your circumstances. At some point you need to accept the hand life has dealt you. Accept the the bad times just like you accepted the good and move forward. You can’t force anyone to stay in your life if they have decided it’s their time to go. God has a wonderful way of showing you what is right by taking things away, bringing new things in, and letting some of the old stay.

 

People often have negative things to say but if at every point in life you stay true to yourself and who you are, don’t worry about what everyone else has to say. Luke 6:26 says “Woe unto you, when all men speak well of you.” Instead of focusing on people who quite frankly don’t put food on your table, pay your bills, wake you up every morning, or lift you up when you’re down–focus on God who helps you do all these things. As a Christian when you realize Jesus was hated by many, it’s easier to accept that no matter who you are, people will hate you. In John 15:18, Jesus said, “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.”

 

    Take heart. God Bless.

Chasing after the wind

Recently I have been struggling with feelings of low self worth. I don’t understand why God made me, why I am necessary in this world, or what I can really offer.

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I wonder if other people can see me the way I see my self. Sinful, empty, and broken.

I go through each day exhausted no matter how much I sleep. I’m not only tired in body, but in soul, and in mind.

I try to turn to God, but the world seems grab more of my attention. I remember that God is love, but I am confronted with the fact that though God is love, there is so much real suffering in the world. I don’t blame God for this. But I just wonder when enough will be enough. When will there be enough rape, murder, hate, gossip, and unfairness. Why do children have to experience a hunger that eats away at their insides? Why do women have to walk around in fear of their sexual freedom? Why does the dark skinned 4 year old girl at my church look longingly at the light skinned girl who comes to visit and say she wishes she had her skin?

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Why are families broken, why does love hurt, why does friendship fade, why is loneliness and hopelessness a disease that takes away so many lives.

Our world is so messed up. Yes, there is so much beauty, and there are so many people with amazing souls that bring light to those around them. But never have I been so aware that this world is not my home. Never have I so longed for a place in heaven. Not that I could fathom that I’d ever deserve to be there. But simply because I’m tired of being here.

I long for the place where peace, hope, and love is not just a mental construct that you use as a bridge to find your happy place, but it rather an actually reality.

I would try to end this post with something positive, but I rather be honest. God gave us the book of Psalms, but He also gave of the book of Ecclesiastes and Job. As Christians I think we have convinced ourselves that if we follow God, we should constantly be happy, joyful, at peace, and one with God. But the simple truth is God did not promise we wouldn’t face this hardship, and this emptiness.

“I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.”- Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

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It’s summer outside.

 

I am standing in the basement,
with the AC on.
 

The room is cold.
windowless,
and the air feels bleak.

 

But it’s burning hot outside.
The sun shines. The sprinklers are on. And the ice cream truck circles round.

 

Yet I can’t feel the warmth down here. I can’t see the sun. 

 

————

 

 

You will not always remember that God is good.

 

But make sure there is at least one person you can turn too who will remember when you forget. 
Who will pray when you cry.
Who will worship when you forget. 

 

Sometimes you will be standing in the cold, while others are basking in the heat.
Make sure you aren’t standing alone.

 

 

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