Posts Tagged ‘lonely’

Overstimulated

How much of our life do we spend searching for, seeking, or desiring the companionship of others? Whether family, friends, or lovers, oftentimes we are searching for someone to share our life experiences with. We use the presence of others to keep us from feeling the full force of the burdens we carry from day to day.

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The problem comes however, when we are so dependent on other people that we are unable feel content when we are alone. We automatically equate being alone with being lonely so we avoid embracing time spent in solitude.

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Even when we do find ourselves isolated from society even momentarily—we reach to our phone, tablet, or laptop to plug us back in. It is priceless to be able to find peace in solitude, to quiet the voices of doubt, regret, stress, pain, and loss, and to see life as a gift without feeling the need to drown yourself in outside voices.

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I’m angry at God

Sometimes if I am honest with myself, I have to admit that I am completely and totally angry with God. 

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Okay, maybe as a fellow bible believing Christian you’re confused, so let me try to explain.

 

I suppose I can compare it to the kind of anger a child feels towards a parent that is ‘absentee.’ Maybe a father or mother who serves in the military. You get the weekly calls, the gifts on your birthday, you know that they love you, but you’re angry because you simply feel robbed.

 

You miss getting tucked in every night, the in-person bedtime stories, or even just waking up in the middle of the night, running to their room when you’re scared and knowing you’re safe in the house because you can see that they are still there.

 

I’m angry with God because I can’t see Him. I don’t care that this is how it has to be or whatever theology that is present to explain it away. I know I am being unreasonable, a petulant child,  and I still don’t care!

 

It’s not always enough knowing that ‘God is there or that He cares.’ Sometimes I want to see Him! I want Him to come down off His throne, and give me a hug and show me that He is there. I want Him to sit with me late at night and tell me stories of how things were back in the day in the time of Moses, or Ezekiel, and Joseph. I imagine His voice to be so deep and comforting.

 

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I want Him to paint me a picture of how beautiful and bright the future will be. I want Him to hold my hand, to envelop me in a hug. Let me crawl into His bed when I’ve had a bad dream, or to be able to look into His eyes after a long day and see that my suffering causes him pain too. I just know that He would look lovingly back at me and simply say “There, there my child.”

 

Sometimes I feel so broken inside and I know He is the piece of me that I’m missing. When sleep eludes me, or I’m wrestling with my demons inside, He is the one I want to tell.

 

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If I could have anything I wished for in this moment, I wouldn’t wish to end world hunger or violence or pain, even though all these things weigh heavily on my mind. All I would wish for is to just once see His face, to say “hi” to God, and hear him respond with a “Hello my child. I see you, and I’m right here.

 

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Inadequacy?Loneliness? … A discourse.

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For a person who has always felt most at peace when in solitude, it was quite disconcerting to see loneliness settle in. With this loneliness came the desire to fill it. Acting on impulse, this gaping hole was easily filled with things that soon became detrimental.

Sitting back I began to observe this phenomenon all around me. It seemed like this world was filled with people who in their loneliness reached out for anything that would give them happiness, attention, satisfaction, or love. And yet this happiness was always so fleeting. Lovers leave, money finishes, the party ends, and night becomes morning. The high and the drunken stupor ends in pain when the sobriety of the morning hits.

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Drinking away sorrows– ends in alcoholism, just as fast as chasing highs leads to addiction. The trouble never stops and thus neither does your dependence. The churchgoer ridicules the drunkard for his bottle, and the drunkard ridicules the churchgoer for his hypocrisy. Yet are they so different? Both with longings, desires, hopes, and failures.

Then there is that woman next door; who’s girlhood days have passed as she looks in the future expecting nothing but more of the same. She is lonely, in ‘need’ of a man. She boasts in her aloneness while grooming herself to perfection in hopes of catching the eye of the next man who looks her way.

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Meanwhile she is oblivious to the fact that the old mamas at church who tell her that her biological clock has ‘tocked’ are living in misery in their own loveless marriages.  These old mamas have their husband in bed every night, but the space in between them lies cold. They were a Ms. and lonely, but now they are Mrs. Lonely. So they have more kids, join clubs, or support groups, and throw themselves in every work their hand finds—hoping to convince themselves that they are… “fulfilled.”

And finally there is that boy who looks like a man. He talks like a man, walks like a man, and lusts like a man. Yet when he is alone, his thoughts are that of a boy. He fights those feelings of inadequacy and he craves power over his own life and over his future.

mna, just a boy

We all go through life stumbling around, picking ourselves up, and developing our own coping mechanisms for loneliness, failure, and lust. We keep seeking, but not many find.

To the woman who is no longer a girl, and to the boy fighting to be a man: You can find a balm for your hurt and relief from your longing. But only at the foot of the cross.

foot of the cross

I have found only one place where it’s okay to be lonely and broken, confused or hurting. It’s okay to be lost and discouraged, weak and weary. Just come with your baggage and your sins, and lay down at the feet of Jesus. The walk of faith is not easy, and failure is guaranteed. But this time, when you fall, Christ Himself will pick you up.