Posts Tagged ‘power’

Perched

 

 

This is a letter to myself. A letter to myself that I am sharing with you in hopes that it might help you as it is slowly helping me.

 

Today I was at my wits end. Recently I have been struggling with intense overcast feelings to the extent of not wanting to leave my bed and feeling as one without hope. I blamed these feelings that I felt on many circumstances that I was drowning in. External pressures, external loss and disappointment. I was a victim of my circumstances. And I couldn’t overcome it. As a Type A personality I do very well at burying my feelings and emotions under work. I schedule my days to leave no time to think, reflect… or to breakdown. My mind is always moving, always achieving. But I couldn’t shake the cloud that had been following me. It was persistent, vigilant, shaking its hand at every ray of sunshine that tried to lighten my way.

 

Then something happened that took me from sitting under a cloud, to sitting under a cloud, as it began to downpour. With no coat or umbrella, I felt like shaking my hands at God. Was I not low enough? How well was I handling the cloud, that made you decide now was the time to bring the rain!

 

During this pity party, which was hosted and attended by me and myself alone, I came to the realization that my perception of the intensity of my circumstances stemmed from one issue. I tried to quiet all of the external voices for one second and the only voice left was my own. And I was screaming one thing. “God why have you discarded me! You have left me!”

 

The only reason my circumstances were drowning me was because I no longer believed that I had a lifeguard watching over me, ready to dive in and buoy me up. I felt that God was absent, uncaring, and un-invested. I felt like I was fighting a battle myself when I should have been letting God fight for me. But how could I sit back and let God fight for me if I didn’t believe He was on my side? Or even if He was on my side maybe He was unfeeling. He didn’t have anything to lose in this game! When I am doubling-over in pain that’s just me hurting, me alone. Why should I let him direct me if I have to face the aftermath by myself? When Job had sores on his body (Job 2:7) and his breath was putrid. God was unaffected!

 

I shocked myself with my thoughts. I pride myself on being pretty well read biblically. I could have quoted to you: Isaiah 49:15, which says “Can a woman forget her nursing child And have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.” Or Lamentations 3:32, “Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.”

 

But the problem was the Bible is just a book, unless you believe in the power of the words there in. In my pain I reached out to someone, which in and of itself is incredibly unlike me. But I needed someone to remind me of those words. But not just the word, the power behind those words. I needed someone to tell me those words and hear in their voice that they believed that which they were saying to be the truth. Like a match to a candle I was reminded of what I had long sought.

 

Romans 8: 38-39; “For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

 

I wish I could tell you I am equally as persuaded as Paul was when he was writing this verse; after facing beatings and imprisonment. I am not there yet, partly because I haven’t been tested on that level. I don’t want to be to you like Peter who swore twice He would not deny our Lord and Savior, only to deny him thrice (Luke 22:54-62). But I will tell you that though I still remain perched under my cloud, the rain has slowed and when I reach out beside me I recognize that I am no longer alone.

 

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Condemnation

 

Today I take the power away from you to tear me down with your words. To shake my confidence. To make me feel like I am a failure. I won’t let you or anyone else have that power. Not anymore.

 

Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” (John 8:10)

 

When you derive your sense of worth from anything outside of God, it can easily be taken away. The same people, person, institution that builds you up can tear your down in a single instance. With a single word. Even if you derive your worth from your sense of self, one day you will inevitably fall short even by your own standards.

 

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. (John 8:11)

 

You may not feel worthy, or deserving, or even good. But God doesn’t shun you in your brokenness. Jesus doesn’t kick us when we are down; He extends His hands to lift us up.

 

Be lifted up oh my soul. You are a child of the King.

 

Jesus-hands-scars

Still, I wait.

Image

Night fell.

Again, alone.

Lights off,

Eyes closed.

 

I hear my heart pounding in my chest,

as I struggle grasping just for one breath.

 

Against the windowsill I lay

High up.

While the world,

Its lights, it’s glamour

quietly corrupts.

 

Cool breeze.

Chills race up my spine.

I lean in, shuddering,

Numbness making the scars feel just fine.

 

The anticipation rises.
Impregnated with fear

Resigned to deliver,

but unable to bear.

See. I’m never ready.

Again and again

I try to stay steady

 

I’ve tried to escape

But no longer

 

I just wait.

 

Tonight

I won’t fight.

 

Our understanding is simple,

I’m wrong, it’s right.

 

All day I’ve tried to hide

But the night always reveals

what the light hides.

 

I finally see things the way they are,

or the way I’ve created them to be.

 

Years of running and hiding

But never finding peace to set me free

 

Darkness.

It envelops me once again,

Covering me till I almost feel its my friend.

 

Every night it comes

And so now

I simply wait

No longer hoping for an escape

 

Seconds, minutes

Minutes, hours

 

I call His Name!

And that night, it never came.

 

I pressed

I waited

I urged it onwards

But tonight its hold on me was no longer.

 

 

 “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.”

(James 2:19)

 “That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth.”

(Philippians 2:10)

“Our struggle is not against flesh and blood… but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world.”

(Ephesians 6:12)

 

 

Fear and hopelessness is of the devil. But there is one greater. Call His name!

I’m-possible

God is > our impossibilities. Flip through your bible. We see Mary becoming pregnant while still a virgin. Joseph went from being a condemned slave to second in command to Pharaoh. Sarah gave birth to a child when she was 99 and post-menopause. Nevertheless, we sometimes forget that the God of the bible is still Lord over our lives today.

 

Impossible  means without power. But God gives power to all our impossibilities.

Impossible means without power. But God gives power to all our impossibilities.

 

Have you ever looked at a situation in your life and thought it was impossible? God is telling us today what He once told Abraham, so many centuries ago…“Nothing is too hard for the LORD!!”

 
God knows you have questions, doubts, and concerns. You are anxious for the future, and wonder if you can truly trust God to come through for you. But today, know that the impossible becomes possible when God works on your behalf. God is so much higher than your problems, pain and difficulties. When His power meets your willing and surrendered heart, the impossible becomes possible!