Posts Tagged ‘rape’

Chasing after the wind

Recently I have been struggling with feelings of low self worth. I don’t understand why God made me, why I am necessary in this world, or what I can really offer.

Lost Teddy
I wonder if other people can see me the way I see my self. Sinful, empty, and broken.

I go through each day exhausted no matter how much I sleep. I’m not only tired in body, but in soul, and in mind.

I try to turn to God, but the world seems grab more of my attention. I remember that God is love, but I am confronted with the fact that though God is love, there is so much real suffering in the world. I don’t blame God for this. But I just wonder when enough will be enough. When will there be enough rape, murder, hate, gossip, and unfairness. Why do children have to experience a hunger that eats away at their insides? Why do women have to walk around in fear of their sexual freedom? Why does the dark skinned 4 year old girl at my church look longingly at the light skinned girl who comes to visit and say she wishes she had her skin?

hemingway-quote

Why are families broken, why does love hurt, why does friendship fade, why is loneliness and hopelessness a disease that takes away so many lives.

Our world is so messed up. Yes, there is so much beauty, and there are so many people with amazing souls that bring light to those around them. But never have I been so aware that this world is not my home. Never have I so longed for a place in heaven. Not that I could fathom that I’d ever deserve to be there. But simply because I’m tired of being here.

I long for the place where peace, hope, and love is not just a mental construct that you use as a bridge to find your happy place, but it rather an actually reality.

I would try to end this post with something positive, but I rather be honest. God gave us the book of Psalms, but He also gave of the book of Ecclesiastes and Job. As Christians I think we have convinced ourselves that if we follow God, we should constantly be happy, joyful, at peace, and one with God. But the simple truth is God did not promise we wouldn’t face this hardship, and this emptiness.

“I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.”- Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

God_is_real_xlarge

Advertisements

Blame game

People often gather to celebrate the victories, but their presence would have been more greatly felt in the defeats.

 

anger

I woke up one day and realized that I was angry. That life, had made me angry. There was so much rage, bitterness, and anger. And it surprised me.

 

I don’t know when it happened. But it did.

 

 

Sadness, self-pity, disappointment, and depression often turns outward when the burden of self-blame becomes too much. We search for an object, a person, or an institution to blame. Anyone but ourselves. Perhaps if we pass the blame onto someone else, we no longer need to face our own demons. Instead we can turn sadness into anger. We can hold our parents, our teachers, our preacher accountable. We can say that our family rejected us. That the government neglected us. Or that God has left us.

 

The American Psychological Association defines anger as an “emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.”

 

In life we often times feel that we have been wronged by certain people or society as a whole. And for those taught to believe in a higher being, they begin to hold Him accountable for every bad thing that has happened in their life.

 

A brother was brutally murdered.
A wife, raped and killed.
A child, left to die after multiple gunshots to the chest.

 

After overwhelming grief, sorrow often turns to anger.

Retribution is called for. Someone should pay! The guilty party should suffer to the extent of the law. But when that doesn’t bring peace or equanimity. We need a scapegoat—who better than God?

 

“Why did God allow…?”

“If God is good, then why…?”

“Where was God when…?”

“How could a good God let…?”

 

It’s amazing how many of us today believe in good without believing in evil. We can by a stretch of the imagination believe in God. But by that same stretch we don’t consider that there is a source of evil.

 

Did God promise us roses, sunsets, no hardships, or suffering? Yes, He did. And then he also gave us freedom. Freedom that enabled the ability for pure, unforced love. And freedom that also allowed for disobedience. The fruit was eaten. Mama Eve, and Papa Adam left the garden. And we came to the knowledge that though “all good things come from God,” saying yes to the fruit allowed Satan to also take hold of our lives. There entered destruction, war, famine, hardship, death, and suffering.

 

God is surely stronger and wiser than Satan, thus Satan will not roam free forever. But since God will never force us to love him, or command us to follow him, we now have this freedom: to choose who will be our God, and find which side we will serve.