Posts Tagged ‘self’

Light

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Being suicidal is not an event. It is a mindset. It’s a way of thinking, and it is a continual experience. But it is also preventable, or rather treatable. It takes having someone or something to hold on to. It takes knowing that there is an end point. An end to pain, suffering, and loss.

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Why do some people hold on, while others let go? Having known people who have decided to take their own life, there is one thing I know for sure. You can never tell. You can never tell who will always hold on, and who will eventually let go. Their smile is still bright, and their laughter still carries you away. Because pain can be hid. It can be smothered, and it can be contained, until one day, when it can’t.

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Under modern U.S. law suicide is legal. Living is a choice, and you have the right to no longer make that choice.

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Before I learned to swim I once drowned. I remember knowing I was going to die. I fought it. I screamed, but I was underwater so no one heard. I kicked, I struggled, but I kept drowning. Now, years later, I know how to swim, and the fact that I was drowning seems so foolish. If I had been calm, if I had opened my arms and trusted the process, I would have found myself floating to the top. But at that time I had no knowledge of a way out. I had no way of knowing that there was still hope. I knew I had lost. And I accepted it. But somebody saved me. Someone was looking out for me that day in the water and they dived in and saved me. It wasn’t my father, or my mother, or even a friend. Just a stranger who was looking out for me.

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At times when I want to let go I always call out one particular name. A name I know will never fail me. I call out to him, screaming, asking him to prove himself. That he is out there. That he cares. He feels like a stranger but I ask him to speak to me, to say something. To tell me everything is going to be okay. And every time, without fail. I don’t hear a thing. It is silent. Utterly and completely quiet. But before despair settles in I feel this calm. Like a wave rushing over me I feel his peace. More than words in my ear he reminds me of times past. Times when he brought me through my trouble, and the mess I’d created for myself. And though all my troubles don’t immediately become okay, he turns a mountain of sorrow into a molehill. Instead of utter darkness I see hope, I see light. 

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Confession.

Dry your eyes sweetheart.

He’s not your one in a million.

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Yeah, so I know you’ve been out there looking for your soul mate. Searching high and low, desperate to find anything thing that moves, breathes, and lifts up the seat when he pees.

But let me save you the agony and disappointment; the hours of standing in front of the mirror before you go out. Wondering if you are pretty enough, thin enough, or graceful enough for him to finally take notice. You spend hours watching youtube videos: learning how to paint your face so you can look like someone you’re not, on the outside, just to attract someone who you hope will like you for who you are, on the inside.

And when you find him. Though he is 5 steps removed from perfect. You manage to convince yourself that perhaps maybe he is still the one for you.
When you leave his presence you wonder if he likes you, how often he thinks about you, and if he might learn to love you. But the truth of the matter is; 9 times out of 10, you are obsessing over someone who can hardly remember your name.

Look, your biological clock is not running out, but your common sense is. You’re caught up in the allusion that he can change, instead of realizing that the real problem is you. You are lost. Looking for someone to love you, when you don’t even love yourself. You are empty, broken, and hurt by all the thousand and one ways you think life has disappointed you. But what you don’t realize is that when you value yourself solely on the basis of what others think of you, you are the one who is disappointing yourself.

What happened to being a woman of grace, confidence, and pride? What happened to valuing yourself enough to know when to walk away? How come we can no longer find happiness outside of someone else’s embrace? We weren’t made just to warm sheets!

Because when the night is over, the lust wears off, and the makeup washes off, it is still you who has to face yourself in the mirror each day. And if you can’t love what you see; no amount of hugs, kisses, or even a new last name can change that.

But if you invest your time in cultivating your own self worth, you won’t have to look for the right man, he will find you.

Pity me – Convicted

“When we pity ourselves, all we focus on is ourselves. We only see our problems. We don’t see any of the good things in our lives.”

Smile-Frown Neduzi

Seven Reasons Why Self-Pity Is a Sin (C.Fitzwater)

  • Self-pity is a refusal to accept trials as a test of faith, thus inhibiting our own growth toward maturity and completion in Christ.  (“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete…”  James 1:2-4  NIV)
  • Self-pity demands that  you are entitled to a certain quality of life that has not been promised to you in Scripture.  (Jesus says, “…In this world you will have trouble.”  John 16:33  NIV)
  • Self-pity dilutes your compassion for others, as you elevate your own suffering to a place of prominence.  (“…be compassionate…”  1 Peter 3:8  NIV)
  • Self-pity is married to grumbling and complaining.  (“Do everything without complaining…”  Philippians 2:14  NIV)
  • Self-pity ousts gratitude.  (“Be thankful.”  Colossians 3:15  NIV)
  • Self-pity fills your time with useless whining and moaning instead of prayers for help and rescue from the Almighty God.  (“Call upon me in the day of trouble…”  Psalm 50:15  NIV)
  • Self-pity will only accept joy that comes from reversal of circumstances instead of joy that comes from the Lord.  (“Rejoice in the Lord always…”  Philippians 4:4  NIV

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“Each day is a special gift from God, and while life may not always be fair, you must never allow the pains, hurdles, and handicaps of the moment to poison your attitude and plans for yourself and your future.”