Archive for October, 2016

I’m angry at God

Sometimes if I am honest with myself, I have to admit that I am completely and totally angry with God. 

child-tantrum

 

Okay, maybe as a fellow bible believing Christian you’re confused, so let me try to explain.

 

I suppose I can compare it to the kind of anger a child feels towards a parent that is ‘absentee.’ Maybe a father or mother who serves in the military. You get the weekly calls, the gifts on your birthday, you know that they love you, but you’re angry because you simply feel robbed.

 

You miss getting tucked in every night, the in-person bedtime stories, or even just waking up in the middle of the night, running to their room when you’re scared and knowing you’re safe in the house because you can see that they are still there.

 

I’m angry with God because I can’t see Him. I don’t care that this is how it has to be or whatever theology that is present to explain it away. I know I am being unreasonable, a petulant child,  and I still don’t care!

 

It’s not always enough knowing that ‘God is there or that He cares.’ Sometimes I want to see Him! I want Him to come down off His throne, and give me a hug and show me that He is there. I want Him to sit with me late at night and tell me stories of how things were back in the day in the time of Moses, or Ezekiel, and Joseph. I imagine His voice to be so deep and comforting.

 

fathdaughter

 

I want Him to paint me a picture of how beautiful and bright the future will be. I want Him to hold my hand, to envelop me in a hug. Let me crawl into His bed when I’ve had a bad dream, or to be able to look into His eyes after a long day and see that my suffering causes him pain too. I just know that He would look lovingly back at me and simply say “There, there my child.”

 

Sometimes I feel so broken inside and I know He is the piece of me that I’m missing. When sleep eludes me, or I’m wrestling with my demons inside, He is the one I want to tell.

 

childpout

 

If I could have anything I wished for in this moment, I wouldn’t wish to end world hunger or violence or pain, even though all these things weigh heavily on my mind. All I would wish for is to just once see His face, to say “hi” to God, and hear him respond with a “Hello my child. I see you, and I’m right here.

 

father-hugging-daughter

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Healing words

What does healing look like? 

Healing looks like peace. Like restful nights, and deep sleep. 

Healing looks like no one in your triangle of hurt changing but you. 

It looks like you recognizing the power to end your hurt is within the palms of your own hands. 

You no longer dwell in the past or hope longingly for a predicted future. You are fufilled in the present, the now. 

You finally realize that you do not need any one person to come back to you or to smile at you or to love you for you to begin to heal. 

But you decide for yourself that no one on this earth should have the power to take away your happiness.Most times people are not trying to hurt you but rather they are simply looking out for their own interests. And we the bystanders are often caught in the crossfire. 

Once you recognize you are not anyone’s priority you can begin making yourself your own priority. Not in a self serving way but in a way that recognizes that God gave you the tools you need to be happy, and he didn’t place your happiness or peace in the hands of anyone, but your own.